♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
Oh, Dorothy, three days on a romantic Caribbean cruise.
I envy you.
Oh, come on, Blanche. It's no big deal.
What is it? Three days at sea with a man.
A man who's a doctor.
A great big doctor in a tiny little room with me.
You were saying?
Oh. Uh, well, let's very quickly go over this checklist
to see if you've packed everything you're gonna need
for your fun, fun, fun in the sun.
Nausea pills? Took them.
Okay. Seasick skin patch?
Wearing it.
Okay. Those tiny little stop-you-up tablets that I got
for my visit to Mexico?
The bottle was empty.
Uh-oh.
Oh, Blanche, I'll be fine.
Now listen, honey, while I'm gone,
I'm putting you in charge of Ma.
Me? Why... Why me and not Rose?
Rose couldn't keep our rock garden alive.
What, I'm gonna give her my mother?
Now look, as for instructions... Mmm-hmm.
Ma is to be fed twice a day.
Walk her after her second meal. - Second meal.
And don't give her anything liquid after 10:00.
Hey, what is this? You're talking about me like I'm an animal.
(SNIFFING)
You've been with a man, haven't you?
Honey, tell Rose goodbye for me, will you?
Have a wonderful time.
And listen, don't forget to moan.
Helps keep a man focused.
Oh, God. Just like that.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Now, Ma, you're gonna do what Blanche tells you?
Yeah.
You're not going to give her any trouble? No.
You're gonna be Blanche's little helper?
Yes. I love you.
I love you, too. Goodbye, pussycat.
Fasten your seat belt, slut puppy.
This ain't gonna be no cakewalk.
Mmm! What a meal, Rose.
And what a deal, Rose.
Uncle Cluck's, "Tastes Just Like Chicken" all-you-can-eat buffet.
You love your early bird specials.
You bet. Especially when they forget to collect the coupon.
(LAUGHS)
Come on, Rose. Admit it.
Wasn't it worth a trip to the bad part of town?
That guy almost got my purse, Miles!
Almost doesn't count, Rose.
How about those Cajun drumsticks?
Oh, I can still smell those Cajun drumsticks.
I'm not surprised, you put one in each pocket.
Oh, that's tomorrow's lunch, sweetheart.
Hey, I gotta run. Bye-bye.
Hi, Rose. Hi, Blanche.
Honey, is something wrong?
Well, it's Miles.
Lately he's gotten...
I don't know, really tight, and I hate it.
Oh? Well, I'm just the opposite.
I love a tight man.
Tight man with cast-iron pecs,
thighs that could choke a bear,
and a butt you could eat breakfast off of.
Then the two of us would...
Rose, when did you get in?
Blanche, I've been here the whole time.
I was telling you about Miles being tight.
Oh, I love a tight man.
A tight man with cast-iron pecs, thighs...
No, tight with money. He's cheap.
Oh, tight with money?
Dump him.
Blanche, this is serious.
And it's getting worse.
Like last Friday, I asked him to take me someplace special.
You know what he did?
He snuck us into an AA meeting.
"Theater of the living," he calls it, with free refreshments after.
Well, you've always known Miles was frugal.
He's more than frugal.
He's fricking frugal.
Why, Rose!
It's a Scandinavian term.
Honest.
(CLATTERING)
Sophia, what's goin' on?
Nothing.
(CLATTERING)
Nothing!
(CLATTERING)
SOPHIA: Aha!
Sophia? Sophia?
Are you all right?
I'm okay. I'm okay.
But that antique chest of Dorothy's?
She's not gonna like what you let me do to it.
You just listen to what I'm tellin' you.
You live under my roof, you live under my rules.
Oh, live under this.
Sophia, please. How am I supposed to keep you out of trouble?
Why are you going through Dorothy's things?
'Cause I've already been through yours.
Oh, my God, this box is a treasure trove!
I guess as long as you already have it out,
let's just see what Dorothy's hidin' from us.
Pictures and doo-dads... What's this?
Huh. 1920.
Well, Sophia, you wrote this.
"Things I Want To Accomplish Before I Die."
The list! The list! You've found my list!
Oh, Blanche, read it to me.
Those were my dreams, my goals.
Number one, "Lose 200 pounds."
Done it.
Number two, "Never be burden to children in old age."
Moving on.
Three, "Make amends with Guido Spirelli."
Who's Guido Spirelli?
Guido Spirelli was my first husband in Sicily.
It was an arranged marriage I had annulled.
I left him a broken man.
And I vowed one day I would make amends.
You know, Sophia, finding this list was a sign.
You must make things right with that man.
Now, go to your room and write him a long letter.
Make your words thorough, honey. Make them fearless.
Don't stop till you have said everything.
Take two or three days if you have to.
Thank you, Blanche. You're a good friend.
(EXCLAIMS) I just wish Sophia were my mother.
Then I could put her in Shady Pines.
Oh, good, Rose, here you are.
Honey, listen, I have been giving it some serious thought,
and I have finally come up with a perfect solution
for your very sensitive problem with Miles.
What? Cheat on him.
I can't cheat on Miles.
Well, maybe cheat isn't quite the right word.
Just think of it as one night out
with my rich friends from Texas.
Well, why isn't that cheating?
'Cause you're not gonna get caught.
Come on, Rose. Just think about it.
A delicious dinner at an elegant restaurant.
At night.
You mean no coupons, Blanche?
No coupons, Rose.
Chefs who don't wear pirate hats?
Oh, I don't think so.
And he'll pay for everything? I don't have to leave the tip?
That's right.
(IN SINGSONG VOICE) I'm gonna cheat on Miles.
I'm gonna to cheat on Miles.
You mean I can have another Diet Coke?
Of course you can, darlin'.
(LAUGHS)
Why, she's even more charmin' than you said, Blanche.
Matter of fact, waiter, bottle of your best champagne.
Did you hear that?
Last time I had champagne,
Miles and I crashed a bar mitzvah.
By the way, Blanche, you have a large tuchus.
That better mean bosom.
Barry, I do think that champagne is a wonderful idea,
but shouldn't we make it a case?
I may want to take a bath later.
Fair enough. But if I'm buyin' it,
I'm gonna be sittin' in it.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, hi, Blanche.
Rose?
Miles!
What're you doing here?
Well, not that it matters, but I was on my way to the "theater of the living."
I thought I'd pop in and purchase a couple of day-old eclairs.
Which, incidentally, are for a dinner I'm making you next week.
But the better question is, what... What are you doing here?
And with these dandies, yet.
Dandies? Pretty tough words for somebody buying eclairs.
Miles, it isn't what it looks like.
I mean, this has nothing to do with romance.
What do you mean, it's not romantic?
Oh, Rose, how could you do this?
Oh, Miles. Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just that I really wanted to come to this restaurant.
I didn't mean to eat behind your back.
I was gonna take you to a lovely restaurant tomorrow night.
I know. Cap'n Sam's Twilight Two-For-One Special.
"A nice piece of perch, your choice of potatoes or rice."
Oh, yeah. I see you conveniently left out
"with a generous helping of slaw."
Oh, or doesn't that serve your little smear campaign?
Blanche, it was your idea!
It's the execution, Rose. I said, "Don't get caught."
Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I mean, what if he doesn't come back?
What if I've lost him?
What if I turn into a lonely, old spinster
and never find love again?
(LAUGHING) Look, Garfield caught a fish.
Oh, boy, there's just nothin' like startin' out the day
with a big pile of eggs and cinnamon toast.
Oh, damn, almost forgot.
The old lady's got to eat.
She isn't here.
What?
She isn't here. She left. Last night.
You didn't know?
No, I did not know! What do you mean, "left"? Where'd she go?
Sicily.
To square things with Guido.
Sicily? What are you talkin' about, Sicily?
She said she cleared it with you.
She did not clear it with me.
Then giving her my Visa card was a bad thing?
Rose, now how are we supposed to find her?
Angelo.
I'll call her brother Angelo. He'll know where she is.
Rose, this is terrible!
What do you think Dorothy's gonna do?
Remember what she was like when you lost her keys?
She uprooted a mighty sequoia.
Of course, on the other hand,
she is off on a romantic cruise,
so maybe he'll fall in love with her
and she'll come home happy.
I'm a dead woman.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, Angelo.
Sweets for my sweet.
Flowers for my flower,
and cigarettes for after.
Angelo, what are you doing?
May I quote what you said on the phone?
"Angelo, I need you.
"Come over, quick. Sophia's not here."
I--I didn't mean it that way.
Are you telling me I shaved my shoulders for nothing?
As much as that does sweeten the pot,
I still didn't mean it that way.
I get it. Okay. Forget it. I--I don't need you.
I've had hundreds of women.
Okay, magazines.
Angelo, please. Now, we have a real problem.
Sophia is missing and you are my last hope.
I've already tried calling Sicily's Department of Missing Persons.
They just laughed at me.
You called Missing Persons in Sicily? You got it wrong.
You call them to lose somebody.
Well, what should I do?
Do you... Do you know anything about Guido Spirelli?
I think maybe she went there to try and find him.
You kidding? I know him like a book.
I know his tastes. I know his tendencies.
I know he hates humidity.
And if I don't miss my guess,
I could pinpoint his location exactly.
Oh, thank God!
He's someplace air-conditioned.
You're not being any help at all.
Nobody's being any help at all.
I don't know what in God's name I'm gonna do.
Take it easy. If I know my sister, she's playing a trick,
looking for a little laugh.
Now, relax.
I'll bet Sophia is here before dinner.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
SOPHIA: Hey, Mr. Occupato,
what are you doing in there, painting the Sistine Chapel?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Pit stop! Pit stop! Whoa!
Guido? Guido Spirelli?
It's me, Sophia.
I've come a long way to speak to you.
Many years ago, I wronged you.
I broke your heart.
And because of that, I've been suffering all these years.
I just want you to know how sorry I am.
From the bottom of my heart, Guido, I apologize.
I apologize for ruining your life.
Ah, forget about it.
You don't have to do this, Miles.
Yes, I do, Rose.
I have to show you how much I've changed.
Rose, you're a first-class woman,
you deserve to be treated in a first-class manner.
Miles Webber.
Oh, Mr. Webber, of course.
Uh, listen, I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but the restaurant's begun a new policy.
We're now donating all our day-old pastries to the mission.
I'm not here for pastries.
The bread, too?
Yes, sir.
Well, I believe you'll find my name on the reservations schedule.
Oh, indeed. Here it is. Webber, for two.
Right this way.
Hey, Carl, Webber's eating!
I hope you'll find this satisfactory.
Your waiter will be with you in a moment.
Thank you.
Well, here we are.
Yes, Rose. Here we are.
You know, it's kind of nice
not having to holler your order into the clown's mouth.
The trout amandine looks nice, doesn't it?
The trout? Well, I'm... I'm not sure.
Uh, oh, yes, yes! Yes, it does.
Good. Mmm-hmm.
That chateaubriand that couple over there is eating looks even better.
Then, Miles, have it.
I couldn't. I think they're going to finish it.
Your own, Miles. Order your own.
Good evening. Have the two of you decided yet?
Ah, y-yes. The lady will be having the... The $18.50.
Uh, the trout.
Oh, yes, of course, the trout.
And you, sir?
Uh...
I'll just have a glass of water.
I ate before we came.
All right. That's one bottled water.
Uh, no, no, no. That's tap water.
I have a chlorine deficiency.
Miles, what is going on?
I thought you were gonna loosen up.
I mean, you've always been frugal,
but lately it's gotten out of hand.
I don't know. I guess it all started about a month ago
when I went to see my doctor.
Oh, my God, Miles. Is something wrong?
Yes. He said I'm probably gonna live to be 100.
Rose, I'm only budgeted to live until I'm 80.
What?
Don't you see, Rose? I'm a man living on a fixed income.
All of a sudden, I'm afraid.
I mean, I'll be retiring soon.
What if I don't have enough left?
Why didn't you just tell me?
I understand what you're going through.
All people our age do.
You know what?
Once in a while, I could pay for a nice meal, too.
Oh, Rose... Well, yes. Yes, you could.
Oh, Miles, this is all my fault.
I should be a person who's more accepting.
I mean, it isn't like I'm Miss Perfect.
I probably do all sorts of things that annoy you.
Oh, not really.
Go on. It would do us both a world of good
to hear the things you'd change about me.
Nah, but, well, there is one thing, Rose.
Really? Yeah.
You hum, Rose.
I hum?
Softly, happily, incessantly.
Rose, I come over in the morning,
and you hum as you're cleaning the house.
(HUMMING)
It's free music, Miles.
I'd think you'd like that.
God forbid we get into an elevator where there's Muzak.
You've made your point. I hum.
Boy, do you hum!
Listen, Scrooge.
Scrooge?
This is wonderful, Rose.
We've reached a new point in our relationship.
Total honesty.
(LAUGHING) Look at us, Rose.
We're two old people totally committed to each other,
faults and all.
You're right, Miles.
If you consider humming a fault.
Madam, your trout. Sir, your water.
Just a moment, young man.
This is a special night, and I have decided to treat myself.
Just take this water away and bring me an iced tea.
(DOOR OPENING)
Look who's home!
Dorothy! Well, how was your cruise?
Oh, honey, it was fabulous.
Oh, Lee was absolutely charming.
We danced, we swam, the captain let me steer the boat.
Oh, there was a casino on board.
I lost four dollars, but I didn't care.
Where's Ma?
The captain let you steer?
Well, you know, just for a minute. Where's Ma?
Did he let you wear his hat?
Rose, where's Ma?
Dorothy, I'm talking to you!
Did the captain let you wear his hat?
Rose, there's something wrong, isn't there?
Dorothy, sit down. Something happened to Ma.
I know something happened to Ma.
I leave for three days and something horrible has happened to Ma!
Well, I'm back from my walk to the mailbox.
Tomorrow, the corner.
Oh, Ma, thank God you're all right!
(SNIFFING)
You've been with a man, haven't you?
And it was heavenly.
But before I tell you about my weekend,
I want to hear all about yours.
You're looking at it. All I did was sit.
Blanche was all over me like a cheap slut.
I think you mean suit.
Not necessarily.
But you know, this proves something.
Left to herself, Blanche is wild and self-absorbed.
But give her a little responsibility, you know, a job to do,
boy, she's right there for you.
Where is she, anyway?
Ouch, ouch.
(BLANCHE GIGGLING)